Just Laying Around

Could this outfit be Erik's subtle way of letting me know that things just don't get done quite the same way when I'm out of commision?

As a busy Mama of two small children, a day of lying around sounds like quite a luxury. When it's forced though, and when it's a lot longer than a day, it's not quite as nice as it sounds. It's been almost a week since my trip to the ER, and the doctor's strict orders were for at least a week of no activity. I've been allowed to sit at the computer the last few days, and have been sitting at the table for meals, and those things are pretty exciting! I feel like "my" life is being lived by someone else, having everything I normally do being done by others, or not done at all. I lie on the couch and tell people where to find things and ask for whatever little thing I need. Everyone is doing a great job and I'm incredibly thankful for all the wonderful help we've had, but I'm really looking forward to carrying my kids and playing with them, cooking our meals, and knowing what's in my own refrigerator. At this point I'm even looking forward to doing our dishes, sweeping our floors, and (I can hardly believe this one) cleaning our bathroom! Strength to do my work is a gift, not something to be taken for granted.
I'm getting stronger each day, and I thank you all for your prayers. I've been getting up a lot more, still not being active, but getting myself a drink or finding something I need. I think from this point the challenge is going to be not overdoing it and finding myself back on the couch. I anticipate some difficult days with the kids as we get back into our routine and reestablish some boundaries. Peregrine, especially, has been having a hard time with attitudes and obedience, and I know that it's going to take a lot of consistency and time spent together to work on those things. He's gotten to do lots of special things with other family members over the last week, but I think what he needs is for life to get back to normal, to have some days without people in and out all day, to know what to expect again. Alethea is feeling it too, but she's just acting more clingy, crying when she goes to bed, etc. Erik stayed home from work today and it was nice to have him around; I'm looking forward to being together this weekend. He took Peregrine to see a movie and out for ice cream this afternoon while my sister stayed with me.
I've realized that there's lots to be done though, even while lying around, so I've compiled a list of things for days when I may find myself wanting some "couch time" again:

1. Read books. And magazines, junk mail, catalogues, cards, etc.
2. Watch movies together. (This is nice, as usually when I let the kids watch a movie it's so that I can get some work done.)
3. Play a game or do a puzzle with Peregrine.
4. Have extra "milky" time with the little one who still nurses.
5. Read LOTS of board books to Alethea. She figures out pretty quickly that she can bring book after book to whoever will keep reading.
6. Clip the kids' nails. (I'll admit this sometimes gets neglected in "real" life!)
7. Work on quilting or other handwork projects.
8. Sing songs with the kids.
9. Eat. Drink. Snack. (Thanks to everyone who is bringing us wonderful food!)
10. Read"chapter books" to Peregrine.
11. Play Patty Cake and other little hand games with Alethea.
12. Talk on the phone to my friend Paula who's on bedrest. We get a kick out of asking what the other is doing!
13. Read. Did I mention that already?

Questions

I told myself shortly after we found out our baby had died that I would allow myself to feel whatever I felt and work through whatever thoughts and feelings come in the process of loss and grief and acceptance and healing. I'm glad I gave myself "permission" to do this, as I think it's important to deal with whatever surfaces. On the other hand, there are some thoughts that I try not to entertain too much. Many of these are the questions that arise, many of them along the lines of "why me?" and "what if?" These thoughts do come, and they are the ones with no answers, the ones that could torment a person if they were allowed to. A few of the prominent ones that keep popping up in my mind are: I'm healthy, I eat well, I love my children, why me? Why are there meth heads and crack mamas who give birth to healthy babies and yet mine died? Thousands of women don't want their babies, but I wanted mine. What if I would have done something differently? Would it still have happened? Why did God allow the miscarriage to be so traumatic when we specifically prayed that I wouldn't lose too much blood, wouldn't end up in the hospital, wouldn't have a D&C, etc? Why am I forced now to lie on the couch all day, unable to care for my family in the way that I think I should? Why should my children have to go through this? Why, why, why? (Waaa, waa, waa!)
Yes, these thoughts come, these and many more. There are no answers, and really, I'm not looking for answers. I know that life isn't fair. Just because I eat well and love my babies doesn't guarantee anything. Something in me screams for what I perceive as fair, screams that I don't deserve this. In my heart though, I know that life isn't fair. That the rain falls and the sun shines on the just and the unjust. Many women take the lives of their unwanted babies, and many other Mamas mourn and grieve that they will never know their babies who die before they're born. Yes, I live a healthy lifestyle and am careful to eat well, but that doesn't mean that I will never get sick or bleed too much or know sorrow and pain.
These are some of the thoughts that come, and these are the ones that I try to let go of quickly. I have to let God give me, instead of tormenting thoughts, His peace. Peace that is beyond understanding. It's an enigma, that even when there are no answers, nothing to wrap our minds around, God offers us peace. It's one of the things about God's kingdom that just doesn't make sense. But I'll take it. And I'll cling to it. The peace is there; He is there, gently wrapping me in His strong arms, not giving me answers, but giving me peace. Not taking the pain away, but sharing it with me, and sending many others who are willing to share it too. It's a beautiful thing really, when I'm willing to accept it.

On the Other Side

We are on the other side of the miscarriage. It was, in many senses, everything I hoped it wouldn't be. I awoke around 3:30 on Saturday morning and started bleeding heavily. We saw right away there was way too much blood and went to the emergency room, where we spent the next 8 hours. God was merciful in that I experienced very little pain, but the blood loss was significant. They were going to release me after about an hour and a half, but I passed out when I got off the bed. When I came to, it took me a minute to figure out where I was as there were people all around, someone was taking my shirt off, I had an oxygen tube in my nose, sensors stuck on my chest, an IV in my arm, etc. They sent an OB doctor in and he felt that most everything had passed but it was necessary to do a D&C to ensure everything was cleared out so I would stop losing blood. I was thankful that my cervix was already dilated, so they didn't have to do that part, and there was very little left in my uterus. It only took a few minutes and sure enough, the bleeding slowed greatly after that. The doctor was really good and took the time to explain why he felt this was necessary, and that he didn't just routinely do this on everyone. It was a few more hours before my blood pressure was stable enough for me to go home. The doctor said I had lost enough blood that I was right on the line for needing a transfusion, but that if I promised to rest for a week I should be able to gain strength and build up my blood supply on my own. Thank God for that! He said all I'm allowed to do, for the most part, is go to the bathroom. So, I'm camped out on the couch, being waited on by our family and treated like a queen! I ahve a whole arsenal of vitamins and supplements and high-iron snacks and foods. Different people are bringing meals this week and next. I'm very weak, and feel tired out after my bathroom trips, but other than that feeling fine. Erik bought a shower attatchment thing today so that I can sit and rinse off and I'm really looking forward to being able to do that.
I'm grateful that this is over, and that I was able to get the help I needed and am okay. It was scary, but God was with us and giving His peace and strength. Everything I didn't want to happen happened. But, God is still good, and He is in control, and even though I don't understand this, I'm thankful for so many things- we were able to have good care, I had very little pain, we have lots of help, I'm okay, etc. I'm so thankful for Peregrine and Alethea and our families and friends. I'm also thankful that I had over a week to work through some of the grief before having to go through the physical trauma. I can't imagine going through the shock of realizing our baby had died at the same time as the physical miscarriage happening. Emotionally, God has really held me up the last few days. I know the grief is not over, but His grace is sufficient, and He is with us. I'm very, very aware of my weakness right now, and very aware of His strength. There are many Scriptures that have comforted us during this time.
Thank you for your prayers for our family during this time. The kids are definitely feeling it, but they don't really understand what's going on. Peregrine has been difficult, and of course neither one of them understand why their Mama is lying on the couch all day, unable to play and do all the things I normally do for them. Erik went back to work today, which I think it probably more restful in a way for him than trying to do everything around the house. Our families have made a schedule of who will be here with us this week, and we all well taken care of.
Held up by Him,
Rebeca

Waiting

As we wait for the miscarriage to happen there are so many thoughts and feelings racing through me. I feel like a small child in the ocean, sometimes able to stand up, and then suddenly knocked over by a cold and powerful wave, held under by the swirling water, and then, what seems like an age later, blinking in the sunlight, trying to regain my balance before the next wave comes. I go on for a while doing "okay", feeling the dull ache of sadness and then a word or a thought taps into my emotions and once again I find myself in tears, feeling the pain and loss more intensely. I guess this is normal. In my "okay" moments sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not having a harder time. Is that normal too? And then in a sense I welcome the tears as they assure me that I do feel, that I do love and feel loss.
Peregrine and Alethea are such a sweet comfort to me right now. Their lives go on as normal, which means they need their Mama to go on too. And that's so good for me, to have to read them books and play with them, change diapers, make snacks, discipline, kiss owies and play games. I can't just lie around all days, brooding; they need me to be their Mama just like they needed me a week ago and they will need me next week. I look at them and am overwhelmed with gratefulness for my two healthy, wonderful children. And for Erik, who is amazingly caring and tender toward me, even as he deals with the pain of loss himself. Our families, too are so kind, so helpful, bringing meals, picking up groceries, taking the kids for a while, just being there for us. Yes, there is pain, but it makes the blessings all the sweeter, makes me realize how much we've been given as there are so many who are walking through this trial with us.
I think my biggest struggle right now is fear about the miscarriage. I've been trying to read and be as prepared as possible, both with knowledge and with the supplies we may need to have on hand. Talking to friends who have been through this has been immensely helpful as well, even though it happens differently for each one. I'm glad I chose not to have a D&C even though the time of waiting is hard. We are praying that God will allow it to happen soon; partly so that the time of anticipation will be ended, and partly because there is a risk of infection. There are some herbs that can be taken to help bring about the contractions, but I'm balking at taking them, partly because of the fear. I wrote out some Scripture and a prayer on some cards and am reading them, trying to fill my mind with the truth and with God's promises. I shouldn't be surprised at how our enemy comes in when we're vulnerable; I lived in great fear as a child and haven't struggled with it like this in many years. Please pray that I will be able to take my thoughts captive and dwell on things that are true right now. It's a battle.
We have decided to call our baby Esther Hope. Peregrine, who knew I was pregnant even before it was possible to know, had been calling the baby Esther for a while. I'm so comforted by the fact that she's safe in the arms of Jesus, spared from all the pain and sadness of this life. Having her there has made me think so much more about the hope we have and about our true home, and that's why we chose Hope. It's also my Mom's middle name.

Loss

A few days ago my life was different. And then, in an unexpected moment, everything changed. I was carrying within me a brand new life and we were full of expectations and hopes and excitement at the thought of meeting our new baby next March. On Thursday I went to see my midwife and we were unable to hear the heartbeat. She said that sometimes at this stage it's still is hard to hear, but just to make sure things were okay she sent me for an ultrasound. Erik left work and came over to be with me, and the ultrasound confirmed that our little baby had stopped growing a few weeks ago and was no longer alive.
The rest of the day was kind of a blur of tears and grief. We went back to see our midwife, who talked with us about what choices we had and what to expect. We were on and off the phone with our Moms and a few close friends. We returned home where my Mom, who had stayed with the kids, ran out to meet us with hugs and tears. My Daddy was here too, and we held each other and cried. Erik's Mom and Dad brought dinner over and when Erik ended his prayer with "and please hold our baby close tonight" we all let the tears flow again, sad that we will never hold this little one but comforted that she is safe in the arms of the One who made her and loves her perfectly. That night I layed in bed with Peregrine and we talked about heaven and what it will be like there and how his little sister is there already. He said to me "She will crawl on the streets of gold."
And now we wait. Wait for my body to give birth to this tiny one whose spirit has gone on to Jesus already. I've chosen not to go in and have a D&C, which would end the waiting, but the thought of that procedure makes me shudder. I'm fearful of the actual miscarriage, fearful of the unknown, of the pain, of bleeding too much. (I lost a lot of blood with Alethea, and I'm concerned about this.) I really want to be able to go through this at home, and not have to deal with doctors and hospitals right now.
Please pray for us during this time. We feel God's presence and His peace and comfort, but we also feel the great loss of our baby and mourn that we will never know her on this side of glory. We are more thankful than ever for Peregrine and Alethea and for each other. Our families and friends are being a wonderful source of help to us, bringing food and helping with the kids. Please pray that the miscarriage will be able to happen naturally and that God will give me peace and strength as I wait and as I go through it. I will write more as I feel able. I have so many thoughts and feelings churning around inside of me, and I don't want to forget this time.