Flying Solo

  

 It’s been nearly 13 years since I’ve been on a flight alone. It’s a bit of a strange feeling, like I’m missing something, or someone, or several of them. It’s a good feeling, though, this being alone, having time to reflect on the crazy life I’m so caught up in. It’s been years since I’ve given much thought to bringing along things to do on a flight; with children along, there simply isn’t much time for reading, writing, passing the time in mindless games of my own. In-flight hours have been filled with reading to others, keeping little ones entertained, changing blown-out diapers in impossibly small airplane lavatories. (Is there something about the elevation, or the cabin pressure, that causes the contents of little intestines to erupt with such force? I swear we’ve had an inordinate number of blow-outs on airplanes. It’s now a matter of course to pack extra outfits for the littles, along with zip-lock bags and lots and lots of wipes.) 

    But there are no littles on this flight with me, at least none of my own. This last year of parenting has felt like a turning of some proverbial corner, or maybe a gentle curve around a bend. After more than a decade of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and diaper changing, it appears that we have left all of those things in the past. My baby just turned four. It’s been a long while since I’ve purchased diapers. Maternity clothes? They’ve been passed on. Everyone dresses themselves. Half of the kids bathe themselves. The kids do nearly all the laundry and a good portion of the dishes. They cook meals. There is a growing independence, a gradual shift in the emotional needs, and it’s strangely wonderful. It’s also a little bittersweet, this growing up. The conversations I have with Peregrine and Poppy are about different things now; their questions are more challenging, requiring a different sort of mental energy as we wade into new waters. 

    For the first time since I’ve been a mother, I’ve been off on my own for a few days. I felt a bit apprehensive leaving my family early in the morning. I kissed my little ones as they lay sleeping; I snuggled them a bit longer the night before. They’ve been fine, of course, enjoying special time with daddy and lots of fun with Grandparents. As I navigated airports, responsible for no one but myself, I felt strange, like an imposter in a world not quite my own. I realized how I’m accustomed to people seeing my children and how comfortable I’ve been thinking that maybe they don’t see me. I felt like perhaps I’ve managed to fit in with the adults all these years because I’m a mother, but on my own? Surely everyone will see through the facade and realize I’m just pretending to be an adult. It’s not that I’m not confident in my abilities, it’s just that I never quite feel that I fit in. Without my children, I somehow felt unmasked. I realized how much of my life, my identity even, by necessity, has become wrapped up in the nurturing of them. I don’t resent this. This is the life I wanted, and I believe that in the giving of myself I am actually finding who I am created to be. It’s the hard work of shedding oneself that can reveal the beauty hidden within. 

    I’m nearly home now, after having been away for the last four days. I’m excited to be caught up in the whirlwind of hugs and smiles and happy chatter. I know it will, all too quickly, fade into (often overwhelming) loudness, and arguing, and crazy-making wildness. It’s just part of the package. These days away have been refreshing, and I feel inspired and filled with a renewed hope and vision for my family. At the same time I am reminded of who I am apart from motherhood. I wouldn’t trade these years for anything, and I’m reminded of how quickly they really do go by. I know that someday I will have more time for my own pursuits, but this is a season for pouring myself into the lives of others. I hope I can take the things I’ve learned and look at my children with more understanding, more compassion. I hope we can enter this next decade of parenting, having traded diapers for long conversations, with a sense of adventure and expectancy, excited for what is around the bend! 

Dare to Not Compare: Kid Version

When I first became a mama, it all seemed so simple...

   I was both humbled and encouraged by your response to my last post, Dare to Not Compare. I've been blessed as many of you have shared that you struggle with the same things. There's strength in numbers, isn't there? And something so healing in exposing the not-so-tidy bits of my life and finding that many of you can relate, that we're all just real people after all.

   My friend Shannon mentioned how we can also compare our children to others, and how there can be a fine line between wanting to encourage them toward excellency and making them feel condemned.  This really got me thinking, and is along the lines of a major parenting paradigm shift I've been undergoing the last year or so. If comparing our kids to others, whether by our words or our attitudes, makes them feel condemnation instead of grace, then something is grossly wrong with my approach. It can be so subtle, but can easily run like a strong undercurrent in my relationship with them. This is so far from what I want for them, and yet an honest examination of the way things are reveals that I have done this too much, if not with my words, certainly with my attitude.

   Deep breath....

   One of my children, and if you know me in real life, you will know which one, is a very challenging child. Highly intense, sensitive, active, extremely intelligent, perceptive, persistent, and emotional, are a few words that could be used to describe him. I can see the positives in these traits, but when you put them all together in an immature human, you have an explosive combination that can, and often does, create a lot of stress in our family dynamic. And when this one child takes about 75% of his mama's energy and attention, I begin to struggle with feelings of resentment.

    In the early years of his life, I would have used words like "defiant, strong-willed, and stubborn" to describe him. I took popular parenting advice and applied it to him, countering his fierce will with mine, meeting his stubbornness with what I deemed an appropriate consequence, and exercising my "authority". While I knew that each child was unique, I was still swayed by the notion that if you input a + b, you will get the desired result of c. (Something like love + consistent discipline, aka punishment, equals a happy, obedient child.) Sounds easy enough, right?

   Fast forward a few years, and something seems to have gone terribly wrong. My child, who is "supposed" to be happy and well adjusted, seems to have a very difficult time making wise choices. There is a lot of what appears to be anger there, and those tantrums that your two year old would only throw two or three times at the most if you dealt with them "the right way"? They still happen with a frequency and intensity that can be frightening at times.

   I have looked around at the other kids his age; they don't do this. I've struggled with silent, and sometimes not-so-silent resentment, that we are dealing with things that most kids his age left behind a long time ago. I've compared him, and in doing so, I've condemned. I've communicated to my precious child, not grace, but a deadly message that "you don't measure up", that "you are not what I was hoping for". Of course I've never said those words, and like to think I never would. I haven't even thought them exactly, but I've certainly felt them.

   I don't know what is going on with my son, but more and more I'm realizing that the "problem" is not one of merely behavior, and no amount of consequences is going to change him. There is something different in the way he is wired, and he requires a whole lot of love, understanding, and grace. (The love and grace must be super-natural, and we're seeking help on the understanding part. Of course, I think this is what all children require, but he even more so.) I wonder how much the approach we took in the early years worked against him, how much I tore him down instead of built him up. (And here I must remember to let grace wash over me, too. There is no condemnation. There are new mercies every morning. There is healing.)

    As I stood, sat, and wrestled my way through church on Sunday, I was flooded with these thoughts. (Yes, sometimes it feels like wrestling, with a baby in arms, and a couple of other kids who seem to want to hang all over me, or roll all over the floor, or something of the sort!) It's liberating to accept that my kids are unique, that the other family over there, the ones whose children sit still? They're just different kids. It's okay, it's even better than okay, to let go of my expectations. Maybe my son needs a small something to fidget with, or a walk outside in the middle of the service. The last thing I want is to make him miserable and resentful of being there, and so I need to do what it takes to help him. Not to change him, not to project my expectations onto him, but to accept who he is, and to help him.

    I've thought many times of writing about my son. I think one of the things that has prevented me, apart from not wanting to expose my family's "dirty laundry", is my fear of being judged. I say that, because I've judged so many other parents, especially before I had my own children. "Why doesn't she just do something about him?" I've shared these struggles before and been given plenty of well-meaning advice, much of it consisting of more ways to "discipline". My mama heart knows that is not what is needed here. What "worked" for another child in another family might have been just the thing for them, but there is no formula to apply here. I must stop comparing my spirited child with someone else. It's wrong, and it only damages him and my relationship with him.

    Will you pray for us? Will you pray for healing, and wisdom, and grace? Will you pray that I will joyfully accept who my child is, with all that it entails, and be granted love and understanding to build him up, to help him become all he can be?

  I share this in the hope that it will encourage some of you as well. May God give us all grace to love our children just as they are. To those of you who "know" what I'm talking about, my heart goes out to you. Hold on to hope, mamas! I can think of a few of my "real life" friends who will know exactly what I'm talking about, and I'm sure there are more of you. Blessings to all...

Weekend

We had a wonderful, relaxing, and fun-filled weekend together. It's rare to have a weekend without a lot of plans, places to go, or things to accomplish. The weather was beautiful, some of the nicest we've had this year. On Saturday we took the kids to a park and went to Farmer's Market, then enjoyed fresh veggies and steak that Erik grilled.

Since my mom is on the other side of the country with my grandma, and Erik's mom is in Arizona, that left just us, the "little family", to do something yesterday. I woke up to find vases of flowers in the hallway, fresh from our yard. Peregrine and Poppy were just about bursting with excitement at the place they'd set for me at the table, complete with a flashing Bubba Gump cup (with a rose taped on the side) and candy cane, which were Poppy's contributions, and a homemade card, pot of tea, homemade coaster, and a dollar, all courtesy of Peregrine. Their sweet happy faces were enough to melt any heart.

After church, we headed east, toward the Cascade mountains. We drove along the river, enjoying the beauty of the day, and ended up at one of my favorite spots, a natural hot spring that has been developed with a lodge, campground, and two pools. The best part though, is the gardens. You cross the river and walk along paths that lead into meadows, alongside ponds, and to my favorite place, a secret garden. The kids had a great time running about in there, dipping toes in the water, playing hide-and-seek among pillars, splashing in the fountain. I enjoyed watching them play and just getting to be together on Mother's Day (or what my husband refers to as a "Hallmark Holiday".)

For most of my life my big ambition was to be a wife and mother, and I am incredibly blessed with this family God has given me. I give thanks for my own mother, an amazing example of selflessness and love; she has poured herself into her children for close to 40 years now. I hope to be like her "when I grow up". And I also am so blessed and thankful for Erik's mom, Michele, who is like a second mom to me, and another wonderful example for me to aspire to. There are moments when my life feels crazy and overwhelming with these three small people in my care, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. They bless me in so many ways, and I pray often that I will grow in love together with them.

Now it's back to the reality of what happens when Mama doesn't do any housework or laundry for a couple of days! I hope your weekend was blessed too!

Compassion

'If he trespass against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to you, saying, I repent; you shall forgive him' (Luke 17:4). As the searcher of hearts, the Lord knows that men are liable to very frequent trespass, and that, having fallen, they often rise up again; therefore He has given us the commandment to frequently forgive trespasses, and He Himself is the first to fulfill His holy word. As soon as you say from your whole heart, 'I repent,' you will be immediately forgiven.    -St. John of Kronstadt

So many times each day I fall; I speak impatiently to my precious children, get irritated with my loved ones, judge others in my heart, seek selfish pursuits instead of serving my family. The list could go on and on. I'm challenged by this quote on two levels. The first, is to repent, quickly, when I've sinned, and to receive God's grace and forgiveness. This repentance includes asking my children and husband, who are the most frequent recipients of my selfishness, for their forgiveness. I do this often, and am humbled by how quickly they forgive and move on. 

The second aspect is for me to forgive quickly. When the children have disobeyed, or been unkind to each other, or complained, or whatever it is, I need to deal with it quickly and compassionately, and move on. "The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in mercy... As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear them." (Psalm 103:8, 13) I've been convicted lately by my lack of compassion for my children. Compassion is defined as "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering."   When my children sin, I must confess that most often what I feel is not "deep sympathy". It is more akin to anger, frustration, impatience. They are suffering under the yoke of sin, and as their mama, it is my job to lead them gently to the One who can alleviate this suffering. I expect so much of them, but they are children. They are not miniature adults. And while that doesn't mean I should let them be disobedient, or mean, or rude, I do need to remember that they are young and impulsive and innately selfish. Kind of like their mother (only I'm older and know better.) I need to forgive them quickly, and by God's grace, even if they repeat their folly two minutes later, not throw up my hands in exasperation! 

If God so quickly forgives me all day long, then I need to do the same for my precious children. By His grace, may I learn to know His forgiveness, great mercy, love, and compassion so that these things will spill out of me onto my little ones. I want to become like Him, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. I have a long, long way to go toward this, but, I believe that if I walk in repentance and humility, getting up when I have fallen, He will continue to change me by His grace.

Mama Struggles

It's something I've said many times while talking to other people about raising children: "There's nothing I'd rather be doing!" But when I heard the words come out of my mouth a while back I felt convicted at how much untruth was there. Overall, there really is nothing I'd rather be doing. I'm not at all interested in a career or in having some other life; I've always wanted to be a mama and spend my days caring for my family. 

But there are moments, far too many of them, that I prove by my actions that there are other things I'd rather be doing. I say it by my choices when I sit at the computer and tune out the voices of my children. Or when I'm lost in my thoughts and making vague "uh-huh" sort of noises at all the appropriate places while Peregrine talks on and on.... and on. I nod and smile, but I'm not really paying attention. Or when I just want to finish up one of my projects, or an article I'm reading, and I overlook the squabbling when I really should get up and deal with it. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

How well I relate to Saint Paul's words in Romans: "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do." It seems I start each day determined to do better, to not become distracted, to really be attentive. When I succeed at these things I'm so much happier, and so are my kids. They are happier because they're getting all of me, not some portion of me while the other part of me is busy doing something else. When I put my other desires aside our days go so much smoother. I enjoy my kids more, because I'm really with them. I notice little attitudes and deal with them before they become big attitudes. I take time to praise the little kindnesses and encourage them to grow. 

What it comes down to is dying to myself, of putting aside my own interests, relationships, and pursuits and pouring myself into these three small and precious people whom God has entrusted to my care. I can't imagine a higher calling, and I fall so short of it. There are so many other things that beckon to me, that call for my attention. And each day, each moment I am making choices that are shaping the lives and souls of my children. I am ashamed to say that far too often I choose me over them. 

These thoughts have been in my head for quite some time, but yesterday's sad news of the a three year old boy who died suddenly really shook me up. They are a family much like we are, three children, lovers of Jesus, homeschooling, living and loving one another. And suddenly, unexpectedly, one child is gone Home. I grieve for them, I pray for them, and I wonder; how would my days look if I knew one of my children would be taken tomorrow, or next week? I think I would be making different choices in the way I spend my time. I would spend less time doing trivial things, less time lost in my own thoughts and cares. 

I would spend more time looking into the eyes of my children, eyes that say so much ("blues-eyes like Daddy's", and "eyes like the sea after a storm" and bright merry round baby eyes that light up at the sight of me.) I would spend more time building forts and having picnics, snuggling up under blankets with books, and lying on the floor giggling together. I would spend less time creating things for my children and instead create things with them.

 I am blessed, and yet so often I brush off these blessings and chase after other things, things that won't last but will only please me for a moment. God forgive me, and God help me to do what is important. Help me to love my children as I ought, to delight in being with them, to find my life in being with them. May I truly say about raising them, that there is nothing I'd rather be doing!

Bad Hair Day

If you would have asked me yesterday, or oven two hours ago for that matter, if I would ever, ever write a blog post entitled Bad Hair Day, I would have said "no". Absolutely not, not about hair, not me. I just don't write about things like hair. I spend about 23 seconds a day on my own hair, and a little more on Poppy's. (On the days when I actually get around to doing her hair, that is. The days she doesn't look like a wild ragamuffin. My favorite style for her is french braids because I can leave them in for several days and not have to comb and style for a while.) The more maintenance free our hair can be the better, in my opinion. 

But I guess it happens once in most every little girl's lifetime: Botched Hair Cut at the Hand(s) of Little Girl and/or Sibling. I'm having a hard time getting the stories to match up, but I'm pretty sure in this case that it was helped along significantly, and quite likely instigated by, a certain to-be-left-unnamed Brother. (I will tell you though, that Raphael's skills are not yet developed to the level of cutting.) Poppy's hair was in pigtails today, two nice long-ish curly pigtails. Or piggy tails as she likes to call them. That's what she asked for yesterday when I did her hair. (Yes, they were left over from yesterday. Today is day two of the piggy tails: Ragamuffin Day.) It's still in piggy tails, but one of them is a lot shorter than the other. Looks like it's time for a haircut. 

So, you may ask, where was I when The Cutting happened? Ummm, well, I was looking something up on the computer. (Reason #211 why Mama should stay off the computer while children are up: Unsolicited Haircuts.) I'd been unpacking some boxes and putting items in a cabinet we've always referred to as "The Museum". (This was in my grandparents home for as long as I can remember and when they downsized we offered to give it a new home.) The kids were very interested for a while, and then they got the brilliant idea of setting up their own museum in Poppy's room. So off they went, and off I went to the computer. I wanted a little info on one of the items in The Museum, and that's when The Bad Hair Day began. 

This is all sort of humorous when I write it down, but it has a more serious side too. (Besides the naughtiness of kids that totally know better.) I find it difficult to be really present with my kids a lot of the time. By really present I mean undistracted, attentive, really listening and watching constantly. Now, this may or may not have happened if I wasn't on the computer, but beyond this incident, I feel like so often I'm engrossed in doing something or even just in my own thoughts that I tune out what the kids are doing or saying. Is this normal? Do any of you struggle with this too? 

I think one of the things I need to be doing more is tomato staking my kids, basically keeping them with me and involved in the things that need to be done. I know that when I've tried to do this it really does help, but it's hard to keep up with. Unsupervised roaming time inevitably ends in the two of them fighting or getting into some sort of mischief. If I even kept one of the two older ones with me at all times it would go a long way towards more peace in our home. Also, for this season of my life, I need to resign myself to not getting involved in projects of my own or getting on the computer unless they are down for their rest. It's what you might call asking for trouble. I really do need to work on being present.

Well, it's time for the children to be getting up. And time for me to get out that pair of hair cutting scissors.... I've got a hair cut to do! 

The Martha in Me

The last several months of our lives have been busy. In November we had Peregrine's birthday, then went to Mexico for a couple of weeks. December was full of preparations and celebrations. I really thought things were going to settle down after that and I'd have a nice three months of quietness, hanging out with the kids, and getting ready for the birth of our baby. But January came and we all had the flu, then Poppy battled a stomach bug that left her weak and thin and whiny. And then there was February; I'm not really sure where it went, but I know I put a lot of time into stocking the freezer and just keeping up with real life. (Or trying to anyways!) I also got a lot of handwork projects done, made a Waldorf doll and a dress for Poppy's birthday, worked on our baby's quilt and one for my sister Gloria's baby. Now I'm feeling the crunch of time as my due date is only a couple of weeks away. There are baby clothes, diapers and bedding to be washed, things to be purchased, car seats and cribs to get out and get ready. 

I know the busyness isn't going away anytime soon, and I've thought often these past months of the story in the Bible of Mary and Martha. Far too often I've been like Martha, scurrying around "distracted with much serving" (or sewing or cooking or planning). In light of Jesus' words "And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward." In another place He tells us that whatever we do for the least of these, His brethren, we do unto Him. I find it difficult to balance being with my "little ones" (I mean really  being with them, paying attention to them, not just letting them roam the house) and getting my "stuff" done. Too often I, like Martha, am distracted and as a result they are getting into things they shouldn't or being unkind to one another. They I get frustrated with them, partly because of their behavior and partly because they've interrupted whatever I'm doing.  I like what the commentary in one of our Bibles says on the verses about Martha and Mary. "Martha was distracted and troubled about many things in providing hospitality for Jesus. But the one thing needed was for her to listen to Christ, to hear His words- a priority which certainly does not exclude serving Him." How difficult I find it to keep this balance, to get "stuff" done but to keep my priorities in order! 

I know that it's my job as Mama to keep my little ones constructively occupied, and to be continually loving, nurturing, and correcting them as needed. Both Erik and I have felt impressed to reread Raising Godly Tomatoes and to apply her principle of Tomato Staking our children. (Tomato Staking is basically keeping your little ones close at hand virtually all the time so that you can love, nurture, and correct, keeping them involved in what you're doing or otherwise occupied, and staying on top of attitudes and actions as they arise.)  I've been especially impressed, and convicted, with her admonition to always consider the training of, and relationship with, our children as our top priority. For me this means that no matter what I'm doing, if something happens that needs to be dealt with, I need to stop what I'm doing and deal with it immediately. Too often I've thought "oh, it's not that important" or "I really want to finish up what I'm working on" or "I'm just too tired to get off this couch and go deal with that." These are all sad excuses to neglect the training of my children, and I'm afraid I've used them all too many times. 

This is a big struggle for me, and this morning I remembered Jesus' words "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." I need to learn to choose what is needed, what is better. While my projects may be worthwhile- surely my family needs dinner- nothing should take the place of a loving and attentive relationship with Peregrine and Alethea. I need to learn to keep them close to me, to involve them in what I'm doing and to get involved in the things that interest them. I need to know when to stop what I'm doing and get down on the floor to play, to tickle, to cuddle, or when to sit down, draw them close, and read a book together. I need wisdom to discern what is needful at the moment, to lay down my plans, to set down my projects, and just to be with my children. 

Please pray for me, as I seek to love and serve Christ, to sit at His feet and learn from Him by loving and serving my family. Pray that I will choose the better thing, that I will do the one thing that is needed and not get stressed out about all the other things, some of which will have to be left undone. Pray that I will not make excuses, that I will not neglect to disciple my precious little ones for less important things. Pray that I will have strength and resolve to get up off the couch when my body just feels too weary. Pray that I will put relationships first and have the grace to let other things go when necessary.

Thank you for your prayers. And if you too struggle with this, please let me know. I'd be happy to pray for you!