Memories

This is the time of year, as the days grow cooler and become golden, and the first leaves begin to flutter gently downwards, that I remember. I remember three years ago, when I had just lost a baby to miscarriage, and two years ago when I would have been giving birth to a second baby who flew away too soon. I remember long moments of waiting, watching, listening for a heartbeat that wasn't there, and long days of waiting for my body to give up the baby that I so desperately wanted to keep. I remember the horrible night I spent in the ER, as my life's blood flowed out with that tiny one, and the long weeks of recovery that followed. Then, a few month's later, learning once again that there was life within me, and waiting, hoping, praying, fearing, and then losing that baby as well.

Time goes on, and there is healing. Yes, there is still sadness for those little ones; there are still questions. I still wonder what they would have been like. I give thanks for Raphael, whose very name means "God has healed" and through whom God indeed brought healing both to my body and my heart. I give thanks for Peregrine and Alethea, my two lively, curious, and loving older children. I am glad, not for losing babies, but that God was with me through it and that I have changed, hopefully grown through the sadness and pain. I am thankful that I know those babes, Esther and Lydia, are safe and that one day we will be together. It makes me wonder more about heaven, long for my eternal home.

Little ones, Esther and Lydia, I remember you. I miss you, and am glad I got to be your mama, even if our time together here was so short. I love you, and I remember...