Remembering

It was a year ago this week that we were losing a second baby through miscarriage. At the time it seemed almost surreal, that it could be happening again within just a few months. My heart ached and my mind was flooded with questions and fears. Would I be able to have another baby? What good could come from going through this a second time? Wasn't once enough? Hope seems hardest to hold onto when we need it most.

Here we are, one year later, and we can look back and see God's faithfulness to us. The road hasn't been easy, but He has been close to us, and by His grace, we have stayed close to one another. I think of the little ones who aren't with us here; I wonder what they would have been like. I think of them in heaven and wonder if they are babies, toddlers, or if in heaven all are ageless. Is there a process of growing up there? Is that what it means to be changed "from glory to glory"? Can they "see" us? Do they know that they have a family here on earth who loves them, who misses them?

I'm blessed, so much, by others who remember with us. My sister Alyssa made us two mosaic stones for the garden, one for each of them. Shortly before Christmas she stopped by with two little angel ornaments to hang on our tree to remember them by, our sweet babies who will always be loved.

One of our very close friends recently lost a baby through miscarriage, and I was able to see a glimpse of how God can use what we've gone through to help others. Erik and I were able to go spend a day with her and her husband, and I felt like there was something special in just being with her. Not that there was anything special I could say of do, but just the fact that I've been through it, that I know, was a comfort to her. My Dad reminded me of this Scripture: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." My hope has always been that something beautiful will rise out of the pain and sadness of our loss, and I've been blessed to see a glimpse of that. I hope that the comfort of Christ will flow through me to others.
Life goes on, and there is still sadness; we miss our babies. But there is healing too, there is choosing to go forward one step at a time. There is learning to ask the hard questions but not to hold onto them; instead, we cling to peace and joy and try to let go of fear and despair. There is a greater awareness that this earth is temporal and an increased longing to rest in our true home, where God will wipe away every tear and sorrow and sadness will be no more.
We remain so thankful for those of you who have walked this road with us, who have prayed for us, cried with us, encouraged us and remembered with us. We are more aware of what it means to be part of a Body as so many have shared this burden with us.